This is an old text with a few twists that always makes me laugh, originaly from here.

You know how the story goes. There’s a beautiful princess, prisoner in the highest tower of a castle, guarded by a mighty dragon, and a fearless knight must rescue her… What would happen if this knight behaved as a musician, more precisely as a metal star. To find out, read this:

This is how te situation would be handled in each style:

POWER METAL:
Our hero reaches the castle in a winged white horse, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess, they go far away to a paradise-on-Earth and make love.

TRUE/EPIC METAL:
Our hero reaches the castle and beats the dragon in a terrible battle, and raises his sword, bathed in the dragon’s blood, and then makes love to the princess inside the castle

THRASH METAL:
Our hero reaches the castle, fights with grenades and machineguns against the dragon, saves the princess, and f*cks her around Detroit.

HEAVY METAL:
Our hero reaches the castle in a  Harley Davidson, kills the dragon, has some beers with the princess and then they do it.

FOLK METAL:
Our hero arrives with some friends playing accordion, pipes, violin and other weird instruments. The dragon falls asleep because of too much dancing and they leave… without the princess

VIKING METAL:
Our hero arrives in an old boat, kills the dragon with an axe, cooks it and eats it. He then rapes the prioncess, raids the castle and sets everything on fire before he leaves.

DEATH METAL:
Our hero arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess, beats her to death, and leaves…

BLACK METAL:
He arrives before dawn, in the middle of the fog, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Sodomizes the princess, cuts her with a dagger and drinks her blood in a ritualn ritual. Afterwards he discovers she wasn’t a virgin and impales her next to the dragon.

BRUTAL DEATH:
Our hero kills the princess and fucks the dragon.

GORE METAL:
Arrives, kills the dragon, climbs to the tower, fucks the princess, and kills her. Then he fucks her again, burns her dead body and fucks her again.

DOOM/GOTH METAL:
Reaches the castle, sees the size of the dragon, he gets depressed and he kills himself.
The dragon eats our hero’s body and then the princess.

NU METAL:
Reaches the castle and brags about how good he is at fighting and that he can beat the dragon. He is miserably defeated and is left in pieces. Runs away and finds the princess, he tells her of his tragic childhood. The princess slaps his face, and runs to find the “Heavy Metal” hero. The “Nu” hero, takes a Prozac and goes to record a “The best of…” CD

PROGRESSIVE:
Arrives, plays a virtuous guitar solo for 26 minutes. The dragon dies of boredom. Gets to the princess and plays another solo, exploring all of the techniques of tones and compasses learned last year in conservatory(music school). Princess runs away after the “Heavy Metal” hero.

HARD ROCK:
Reaches the castle in a red convertible with two big-breasted blondes and drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels. Kills the dragon with a knife and then makes an orgy with the blondes and the princess.

GLAM ROCK:
Reaches the castle. The dragon laughs his ass off when he sees him and lets him through. Enters the castle, steals the princess’ varnish and lipstick. Then he convinces the dragon to paint the castle pink, and to highlight his hair.

ROCK N’ ROLL CLÁSICO:
Arrives in a motorcycle, smoking some pot and offers it to the dragon who happens to be his friend. Then camps with the princess in the farther spot of the garden. After a lot of sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll he dies of an LSD overdose, drowned in his own puke(ugh).

Now, lets keep on fantasizing. Let’s say that this knight is actually a programmer, that has to use the skills he has to beat the dragon… Will he programme a successful aplication?

This is how each language would manage to rescue the princess from the hands of the dragon

• Java – Gets there, finds the dragon, develops a framework for dragon anihilation in multiple layers, writes several articles about the framework… But doesn’t kill the dragon.
• .NET – Gets there sees the idea of the Java developer and copies it. Tries to kill the dragon, but the monster eats him.
• C - Arrives, looks down on the dragon, pulls out his sword, beheads the dragon, finds the princess… And ignores her to see the last checkins of linux’s kernel’s cvs
• C++ – Creates a basic needle, and gathers funcionalty until he has a complex sword that he can barely understand… He kills the dragon, but gets stuck crossing the bridge because of memory leaks
• COBOL - Arrives, sees the dragon and thinks that he is too old to kill a monster that big and rescuing the princess, so he leaves
• Pascal - He prepares for 10 years to create a dragon anihilation system… When the moment comes, he discovers the program can only take lizards as an entry
• VB - Builds a dragon destruction weapon based on several components, jumps to the back of the dragón and in the most critical time he discovers that the sword only works on rainy nights…
• PL/SQL – Gets data from other dragon slayers, creates tables with n ternary complexity relations,tridimensional data, OLAP, takes 15 years to process the information… And by then, the princess became a lesbian.
• Ruby - Arrives with massive fame, saying he is the best at anything and when he faces the dragon, he shows a lame motion picture of himself killing a dragon… The dragon eats him out of boredom.
• Smalltalk - Arrives, analizes the dragon and princess, turns around and leaves, they are way too inferior
• shell - Creates a very powerful dragon slaying weapon… But in the moment of truth, he can’t remember how to use it
• shell(2)- The guy approaches the dragon with a two line script that kills, cuts, disembowels, impales, chops to pieces and packs the beast, but when he runs it the script grows, fattens, irritates and puts alcohol in the fire of the dragon…
• Assembler - He thinks he’s doing the right and most efficient things… But he writes an A instead of a D and kills the princess to end up fucking the dragon.
• Fortran - Arrives and develops a 45-thousand-code-line-solution, kills the dragon, meets the princess… But she calls him a weakling and runs after the Java programmer who was elegant and also, rich.
• FOX PRO - Develops a dragon killing system. It’s gorgeous and works on the outside, but it’s really patched inside, so when he runs the dragon anihilator, he realizes he forgot to index the DBFs.
• PROCESS ANALYST – Approaches th dragon with two tons of documentation, developed on the unified dragon-killing process, he develops a DFD to free the princess and marry her, convinces the dragon that it’s the best for him and it won’t hurt. When he executes the process, he estimates the effort and the damage he will cause with a plan signed by the Pope, Buddha and Michael Jackson. Then he buys a couple of nukes, 45 cannons, an aircraft carrier and hires 300 heavily armed men… When all he needed was the sword he was holding in his hand in the beginning…
• CLIPPER: Sets up a routine that loads a codeblock array to insult the dragon, serenade the princess, load the sword in memory, beat the crap out of the dragon, clean the mess, prepare a raspberry milkshake for the princess, make love to her, take a bath, start the car, put it some gas and come back home. When he runs it, he gets a ”Bound Error: Array Access” and the dragon eats him with fries.
• Lisp, where the famous knight-errant, after speaking with numerous experts in dragon-killing, and modeling the knowledge they posess, he programs the system, and when he runs it he realizes he forgot a bracket (bender the offender)
• HTML: Mounts a web on famous swords used to kill dragons, but he ignores the W3C standards. When he meets the dragon, he finds out the code isn’t compatible with his browser, so he’s left swordless. The dragon eats him as an appetizer.
• Prolog: Thinks he needs a weapon to kill the dragon. Searches in a catalog for 182014 weapons. By the time the princess dies of her age, he’s achieved to know how to make every weapon starting with A: Atomic Bombs Anti-Air Weapons, Arches, Ammunition,  ra cuando la princesa muere de vieja ya ha logrado descubrir como fabricar todas las armas que empiezan por la A: Armas atómicas, Alabardas,Alfanges, Asesinos contratados, Armas blancas, Antiaéreos, Arcos, AK-47, Axes, Arquebus…
• PHP: Creates a web page that when he executes it would eliminate the $dragon selecting from a weapons databese in MySQL over an Apache server. Nevertheless he forgot the WHERE in the DELETE query and kills the princess, the dragon, the peasants, the witch, the sorceror and the programmer himself.
• JavaScript: The programmer tries to kill  the great green dragon that spits fire throug his mouth. He creates a script that will delete the dragon when he loads a webpage, to create seconds after, some damsels to throw him flowers and make clapping sounds. Unfortunately he didn’t take into account the DOM structure of the lizard, also known as Mozilla, and the only thing he gets is to fill his console of errors and that the Book of Mozilla tells how he was devoured.
• ActiveX: The programmers create a tunnel to enter the dragon’s lair from the castle and run a program that will kil the dragon from a safe and prudential distance. The dragon discovers the tunnel, eats the workers who dug, the dragon slayers, and enslaves every servant in the castle. The castle becomes a dragon-breeding place, full of little dragons that the dragon sends in pop-ups to other castles. The untasty remains of the knights are put in cans of Spam and sent to other castles as well as a warning. (aquelquesiente)
• Basic. He creates a weapon able to kill paper dragons, but n matter how they improve it, they discover it’s not good enough to kill any dragon bigger than a baby poodle.
• Matlab: They create a loop that calculates the trayectories to shoot a giant arrow at the dragon. The program works flawlessly. What they need now are the voluntaries caoable to launch tha arrow with the necessary strength and accuracy.

Videogame Programmer : Spends 2 years programming a state-of-the-art sword with shaders and all. When the time comes to kill the dragon, he finds that half the knights aren’t strong enough to raise the sword. Then someone programs a patch that reveals the sex scenes with the princess and Hillary Clinton makes him a scandal.

Sorry for the lazy post, worth the laughs none the less.